psuedofedup blogging

I am hopped up on goofballs right now even as we speak. My allergies have kicked in, as have the whole family's, and I have taken drugs to allow me to breathe air. Unfortunately, being a person who doesnt normally take drugs, means that occasionally, they kick in at odd hours. Like now. And there is nothing worse than lying in bed, tired, but unable to sleep, and thinking. All sorts of things roll through my head.

For instance:

Sometimes I hate the state I live in. And not too long ago, that was pretty much all of the time. Now it makes me feel bad. As I slowly venture out into the world, and meet people who are not ogres, it causes me to reconsider this hatred. That being said, it didn't spring from my head fully formed and armored. I came by it honestly.


Many moons ago, I fought city hall, and my state over a dispute regarding eminent domain. And during that time I was shocked by the attitudes and toxic sense of entitlement I encountered in the halls of power. It was an eye opening experience and it left me bitter and unfortunately at that time, I already had enough bitterness for two people, so that made my response all the more potent and lingering.

I had moved back to my home state after an absence in the military. I bought a house, my first house. A humble little place out in the country, where I could hear the birds sing, and have a garden. And one day I was approached by a neighbor who told me that the state and possibly other "forces of darkness" wanted to build a highway over my home. Or near my home, either way, my place along with my neighbor's homes might be condemned.

I went to work investigating this claim, both on the internet and through city council meetings. I discovered that unrepentent dicks ran my town. They held it against me, that in the 110 years they had run this area, that I had not magickally transported myself to every city council meeting through my awsome powers of teleportation to contribute something worthwhile to the town. I was a Johnie-Come-Lately who had taken up with some real trouble makers. I was just a homeowner, so what the fuck was I thinking? Showing up with an opinion and an objection and things of that nature?

Seems kind of harsh doesnt it? But in all honestly there is nothing worse than going to a city council meeting for the first time in a new place, and having the officials there literally ooze disdain from the stage while they all but draw a picture for you, why THEY are the chosen ones of god and you are just some piece of shit that got stuck to their shoe. And that is literally how they treated me, and just about everyone else who attended these meetings who were opposed to having their property swiped "at fair market value" for our own good of course.

Someone on the local radio compared yours truly to a terrorist. I have to say as someone who has never had anything more serious than a speeding ticket, that was a shocker. It hurt my feelings and it contributed to this feeling of being unwelcome in my own town. When I was followed around by the cops, well that sort of cinched it for me.

We--the locals threw a monkey wrench in that project. I didn't maintain any friendships after that with the people I met during that time. I just pulled away from everyone. If I have a problem, I never call the local police. I am not sure they would show up. I have had consistent problems getting even information on waste management issues out here, like flyers or phone numbers. There are local restaraunts I do not go into, because knowing who patronizes these establishments, I am not sure there wouldn't be spit in my food.

There are festivals that I avoid. I simply do not feel welcome, so why bother. Before I started to homeschool, I even fretted over whether this issue that happened a decade ago, would affect my children's social lives.

All in all, this was the end result of people who abused their power and influence in a small town. The effects still linger to this day. I have to live here. It doesn't matter to these people that I keep my lawn cut. That I look out for my neighbors, that my family earns honest wages. Those things that should matter don't. The only things that figured into this equation for these people, was that I opposed them in something that could make them lots of money and win them lots influence. How dare I opposed this "progress" because it would have cost me my home and maybe more than that. I acted like I mattered and what was up with that? My house might not be a mansion, but it's what I could afford and it's mine.

I put this out here, because sometimes I meet people and all they see is the After-shot. They don't see the events that lead up to my isolation. They don't see the events that fed some very negative feelings about where I live, about the people who live around me, or even how I feel about myself in the context of this place. I am not sure if I really "Won" anything. I mean I am financially stuck here. I have been trying to make a life for myself and my family, but always this is on the back of my mind. When things go wrong out here I always wonder:

"Did it go wrong just because it went wrong? OR Did it go wrong because this is one more petty stab at my back these people can take from afar?"

The kind of ugliness and intimidation that this bred was distasteful and dissapointing and ultimately undermined my confidence in the leadership of my town, and my state. I think that I bring this up now, because it's very much indicative of larger patterns I see nationally.

Gone are the days when people said, "You do what you need to do, and I will do what I need to do, and may the best person win."

No one says to themselves anymore--"I don't care for your politics, but you are still my neighbor and you are still a citizen."

There are no more worthy opponents.

There are no more clean victories or team work.

All we have left it seems is bitterness, and a desire for revenge; even if it means wasting one's life on generating the energy to always be ready to take that shot, however small, even if its a long one. After all, No rest for the ones we deemed wicked.

I guess I should feel thankful. At least I am no longer afraid to leave my pets outside.